Molestation

What a horrible blog title! It's late and I'm not feeling orginal. I'm sitting her watching "How To Get Away With Murder" and watching the episode is too much for me. Between the mom acting like a crazy, overly critical biatch and molestation topic, I have to keep rewinding because my mind is going crazy with thoughts. In the episode, Annalise says that what happened to her made her the way she is an I keep thinking about how many women are they way they are because of molestation and other things that happened to them growing up. I'm sure men are the same way.

I was exposed to sex at a really young age. Too young. It changed me. I know it did. I don't think that sex alone made me the way I am. I think it is a culmination of a lot of things. I didn't grow up with my mother. When I was in undergrad, I remember discussing the effects of parental separation, I was livid because at that time, I could not stand to be diagnosed (correctly). Looking back, it's funny that the list of things discussed applied to me fully and I denied it all. Some of the traits I think have been good for me. I have no problem moving to a city where I don't know anyone and I'm really good at disconnecting from people and places. Sometimes too good.

On the other hand, I'm not too good at revealing my real feelings to men, which makes it hard to connect.

In the episode, Analise's mom murdered her molester. I don't know anyone who has had that happen. Most moms that I know, even the "good" ones are completely oblivious about that happening to thier daughters. I think that growing up without a dad and being molested makes it even harder to ever feel imortant, especially if your mom or the woman raising you is critical.

Analise's mom said that men take things. When she said that, I felt a little emotional because I keep hearting that men are supposed to protect women. I'm trying to reject gender roles, but the man as the protector is the myth that I've been told my whole life. Told, but never experienced. It's like hearing about Santa Clause, but never getting a freaking present on Christmas! Lately, I've been thinking a lot about feeling protected. I realized that my female friends have always been more protective of me, than any of my male friends. I've never really felt protected by a man, especailly not the way my friends who grew up with dads seem to feel. This was especially evident when I was pregnant. No men jumped to my defense. Oh, well. I can defend myself just fine, but I'd be a straight up mentirosa if I said it wouldn't be nice to feel protected. I'm pretty sure that this has effected my romantic relationships.

#molestation #howtogetawaywithmurder